Reminiscence
by sailorcrisp
Summary: Homura reflects on the past.


_'What can I say?_

_I'm just a transfer student… No friends, no family, in a new place...a foreign place...all I ever knew were the doctors and nurses that used to walk in and out of my room everyday, and even then, they were constantly changing. Never the same nurse or doctor._

_I used to go to a catholic school in Tokyo before being admitted to the hospital due to my heart condition. Six months I was told. Six months bring stuck in that bed. Six months of being closely monitored until they deemed me well enough to attend school again. But no… not my old school, but a new public school in Mitakihara. Seems like catholic schools don't tolerate long absences despite the reasons for them._

_I filled out the transfer papers that were left on my desk and was later instructed by the nurses and doctors on what medication to take and when. When all was said and done, they deemed me ready to re-enter society. My house was taken care of, all I needed to do was get ready for school.'_

...

_'My first day….standing in front of my class…. in front of so many people. I think that alone put a strain on my heart. I couldn't stop stuttering. Next thing I know I'm surrounded by my classmates and bombarded with questions. I wasn't sure who to answer first or how to answer until my rescuer appeared. She politely sent them away and apologised on their behalf, while informing me that she is the nurse's aide for this class. That was the first time she saved me. That girl's name was Madoka. Madoka Kaname. The sweetest and kindest person you would ever meet._

_She considered me a friend and even wanted to address each other by first names… No one had ever asked me that. I couldn't disappoint a confident and kind person like her being the weakling that I am, so I initially refused but she would have none of it. That surprised and moved me. Despite that initial happy experience, the rest of my day was going terribly. I was asked to answer a maths question… Which naturally I had no clue about since I was absent for so long and well, the teacher finally remembered that important fact and told me to borrow notes and catch up on those lessons. Embarrassing… And if that wasn't bad enough, I almost passed out just from doing warm ups. Looks like I wasn't ready for school after all. So naturally, more gossip started and I could hear them all saying how I couldn't even do simple tasks and laughing about me._

_As I walked home, I contemplated ending my life since I was of no use to anyone, nor would I be. Even the brief friendly experience with Miss Kaname wasn't enough to sway me._

_"Why don't you just die?" Someone said to me… Such a good idea...But that is when I noticed something odd. There was no one around. Where on Earth did that voice come from? All of a sudden, the area around me changed into a distorted, crayon-like, unrealistic place and every bone in my body was telling me to run and get away from this place. But of course, me being me, tripped and obviously didn't get very far. Those creatures were getting closer and closer and even if I screamed, who would help me? Looks like I was really going to die after all. But, to my surprise, two people appeared in front of me attacking those odd creatures and one of those people was the person I least expected to see doing this. It was Madoka Kaname! This is the second time she saved me...quite literally._

_She and Mami Tomoe explained the their roles as magical girls, after Miss Tomoe invited me over for tea and cakes… it was such a wonderful experience to be invited and to be treated as a friend… Or at least I think that's how it would feel to be a friend and to have friends. They also explained who Kyubey was as well as what that thing was that they were fighting, which happens to be called a "Witch".'_

...

_'One month goes by much quicker than you would think… In that time, I observed and cheered them on with their witch battles, I got to know the magical girl duo better, going for almost daily after school visits to Miss Tomoe's home, which I quickly learned she didn't mind, and if I didn't know any better, it almost seemed like she was desperate for the company. Madoka told me about her wish… She wished to save a cat that was injured and then later adopted, giving her the name Amy. Typical Madoka…_

_I later learned about the arrival of Walpurgis Night, the most powerful witch. Both girls were confident they would defeat it. Oh how wrong we were._  
><em>I begged her not to face the witch alone after seeing Mami Tomoe die. I told her no one would blame her. She would have none of it. She smiled her kind smile and said that saving me was the best thing she ever did. How could she say that? I am a worthless, clumsy and weak person without anyone in the world. How could saving me be her proudest achievement. How could she say she was glad becoming friends with me only to end up dying right before my eyes? How could I live my life without her in it? She has a family, a kind heart while I am nothing and have no one. What was the point of saving me and telling me to enjoy my life if she's not in it?<em>

_In my anguish, Kyubey offers me a choice… His offer was so enticing, I immediately accepted. All I could think about was changing her fate, making her happy, __**keeping her alive.**__ I would do whatever it takes to keep her safe. My friend, my one and only friend.'_

...

_'As Kyubey suggested, I "unleashed my new power" and the next thing I knew, I was in ahospital bed, but as I looked around I realised it wasn't just any bed, it was my hospital bed. Then I saw my soul gem and realised it was no dream. Madoka was real, Magical Girls were real, Witches were real, Kyubey was real,__** Walpurgis Night **__was real. As I looked at the calendar, I realised my wish was granted. I had gone back in time! This time I was sure to succeed!_

_I enter the classroom, more confident than before and there right before my eyes sat Madoka! She really was alive! I couldn't contain my joy and excitement seeing my wish being granted and completely forgot about the teacher and ran to her and well... was initially confused as to why she was embarrassed. Ofcourse then I remembered what I had done in front of my classmates and apologised profusely to Ms. Saotome. Luckily, she dismissed it as just a slip up due to being in hospital so long. I was never so thankful for being in hospital than I was on that particular day otherwise I probably would have died of embarrassment.'_

_'Hitting that barrel was the most taxing thing I had ever done. I was actually surprised as to why I didn't suffer from a heart attack. Mami was impressed with my magic but stated that I had to find a way to use it in battle. And found a way I did. The joys of living alone in your own fully owned home… I built pipe bombs using instructions from the internet. Not actually as hard as you would expect. Then I went for my first witch hunt along with Mami and Madoka. I admit, it was frightening, I really thought I was going to die. Madoka cleared a path for me and Mami built a bridge for me. All I had to do was stop time, run and throw that bomb in. I ran, I jumped, I threw, I jumped and the next thing I knew, I was sitting on ribbons. 'Did we win?' I wondered and out of nowhere Madoka pulls me into a tight embrace, laughing and cheering saying what a great job I done. Even Mami congratulated me. I was initially surprised, but happy. This time, with my powers and the three of us working together, things will be different.'_

...

_'I was right in saying things would end differently, but definitely not the way I had expected. Mami had died again, but Madoka had survived...barely. I was so relieved that she made it. I had finally done it, she survived her fight with Walpurgis Night. But for some reason, Madoka was in pain and screaming even though there were no injuries. I was asking her what was wrong, only to hear one more ear piercing scream and I see her soul gem turn completely black and morph into a grief seed. I then look up only to see a Witch… 'No it couldn't be…' I thought to myself. Madoka is a Witch? But I suppose the more accurate thing to say is that the Witch is Madoka's Witch form. Any kindness that was Madoka did not exist in that creature. Even so, I could not fight it. I had no choice but to try again.'_

...

_'This time Sayaka Miki also became a Magical Girl. This was actually starting to look promising. The more of us there are, the more likely we will defeat Walpurgis Night and we will all survive. Mami and Madoka will be ok and then we can go to Mami's apartment for tea and cakes celebrating our victory against Walpurgis Night and protecting everyone from it...or should I say, her. Unfortunately, I didn't count on Sayaka Miki being uncooperative, or that another girl from Kazamino would be making a hostile appearance. It seemed that Kyoko Sakura and Mami Tomoe knew each other a while ago, a long time before Madoka made her contract. I don't understand why this timeline was so different. But if I could get Sayaka and Kyoko to cooperate long enough to defeat Walpurgis Night, then maybe this time everything will work out._

_I also thought it would be a good idea to warn them about Kyubey and the secret of Grief Seeds, as he couldn't be trusted. I thought they would believe me, but instead, Sayaka Miki accused me of lying and working with Kyoko. I was surprised and hurt that she would be that suspicious of me when I was trying to tell them the things Kyubey kept secret. Madoka was the only one to support and defend me. She defended me against her best friend. I thought Mami would as well, but she agreed with Sayaka regarding my arsenal. I suppose just using bombs would cause problems for short range fighters… So I agreed to find other weapons. In order to do that, I had to go into more dangerous territory… A Yakuza hideout… I got as many things as I could, although a samurai sword may not be very helpful… I decided to leave the sword fighting to Sayaka. If Sayaka knew I stole from the Yakuza, she probably would have berated me again._

_As I had dreaded, one of us had turned into a Witch. To my disappointment, it was Sayaka Miki. I thought being a person devoted to love and justice would be the least likely person to turn into a Witch, but then I think of Madoka in the previous timeline and realise that isn't exactly the case. None of us wanted to fight Octavia, but I had no choice. It was either her or us. Madoka was about to be hit with her wheels so I froze time, positioned my gun and fired at each wheel and left Octavia a gift. I knew Sayaka was not fond of pipebombs, so I thought that would be the most effective weapon to use against her Witch. I didn't want to destroy her, but I had no choice….I'm sorry Miss Miki._

_Kyoko starts yelling when the barrier goes down, trying to understand what happened and the next thing I know, Mami has me wrapped in her ribbons and I hear her gun go off and then a soul gem break. As I look, to my horror, she had just killed Kyoko. She was crying and shaking and clearly couldn't accept the fact regarding soul gems and said that if we ultimately turn into witches then we have no choice but to die. She points her gun towards me. I was scared and horrified. Mami, my mentor, the one all responsible and had helped me and Madoka is now going to kill me in cold blood. I screamed "No! Don't!" and then I see a flash of pink and Mami's soul gem break. Mami falls with the gun lifeless and I realise Madoka had saved my life AGAIN. She collapses to the floor crying, full of confusion and hurt, saying what we all feel and felt " I don't want this."_

_We continued on to fight Walpurgis Night in honour of our friends and upholding our duty to protect everyone in this city. I now have more experience. I have more weapons. This time, we will win.'_

_..._

_'We were lying side by side, soul gems darkened by all the magic we used, exhausted, lying among the rubble that used to be our city. Walpurgis Night had come and gone. This is pointless I thought. We survived, but only long enough to become Witches unless we could purify our Soul Gems...wait, Grief Seeds! I had asked Madoka, but neither of us had well, I didn't mind becoming a Witch as long as I became one along with Madoka. What was the point of protecting a world like this anyway? As I was telling Madoka all this, she puts a Grief Seed on my Soul Gem… It suspiciously looks like Sayaka's… Why? I ask her, why is she giving it to me? She should be saving herself not me! My wish was to protect her, why waste it on me?!_

_She had saved me again. Unlike other times, this time she had made a request. She believed me regarding my wish and powers and asked me to protect her from Kyubey and to prevent her from becoming a Magical Girl. I immediately accepted. She had started convulsing in pain again, the sign of the Soul Gem reaching its limit. She looked up to me and asked for one last favour. She did not want to become a Witch and that there were things worth protecting in this world. "Madoka" I cried, knowing what she was asking of was no point in calling her "Miss Kaname" at this point. My tears had started to fall. She smiled and with tears running down her face said "Finally, you called me by my first name. I'm so happy." And while saying that, she raised up her hand holding her Soul Gem. I knew exactly what she wanted me to do. I transformed, grabbed my gun, by now my tears were flowing like rivers, my hands had started to shake, I pointed that gun at her Soul Gem, and painfully wailed as I pulled the trigger._

_It was time to try again.'_

_..._

_'This time, I decided to change tactics. Madoka thought my name was cool, so as per her request, I will at least try to look or act the part. I have to be stronger, even if it meant distancing myself from everyone. There's no point in relying on anyone else. The last timeline especially was proof of that. Becoming cold and distant shouldn't be too difficult, afterall, I killed my best friend. If I could do that, I'm capable of anything. First thing I have to do…Kill Kyubey. If he's dead, he can't contract Madoka and she won't die. So simple! I went, I saw, I killed him. I was relieved, until I see another one walk around the corner. Goddammit! I have to delay his meeting with Madoka as long as I can. Even if it means I have to have Madoka under surveillance. I warned her through the window not to believe anyone that says something that is too good to be true. So far, so good. Walpurgis Night has arrived and Madoka is still an ordinary girl. She's in the shelter so she'll be safe._

_I fought and fought Walpurgis Night. Damn she's tough… I can't beat her like this... When there was at least two of us… No, no matter what happens Madoka cannot get involved. She got a lucky shot, but it didn't matter because Madoka was safe...But as I look up, I see Madoka watching with a worried and helpless expression on her face and Kyubey beside her. Immediately realising what he was trying to do, I yelled out, warning her not to trust him. Next thing I see, is the blasted pink light signalling the birth of a new magical girl._

_I knew exactly what would happen next, but I just had to see it. I needed to know if Kyubey intended for this to happen and if there was a way to reverse the process. The sly rat admitted that was his intention, for Madoka to turn into a Witch. The best he could say "oh well, it's humanity's problem now". I had enough. It was time to try again. He almost figured out my secret, but I didn't care. Doesn't matter how many times it takes, I will keep going until I save her.'_

_..._

_I tried to warn Madoka by stressing how important it was for her to stay as she is if she values her family and her friends. Unfortunately, I was unable to save Mami. Once again she surprised me and in her overconfidence, she got herself killed. Her stupidity almost costed the lives of Sayaka and Madoka. It was too soon to reset this timeline. I was slightly disappointed that despite saving their lives, this resulted in Sayaka referring to me from then on as "Transfer Student" ._

_On a brighter note, it seemed I got through to Madoka following Mami's death… I heard her refuse Kyubey's request! This timeline could finally be the one! However, until that damn witch has come and gone, I must remain vigilant.'_

_..._

_'Stupid, stupid Sayaka! Despite everything she saw, she still contracted for that damn boy! I explained over and over that no good would ever come of it. I must keep my eye on her… Most likely Kyoko will show her face soon.'_

_..._

_'Kyoko showed up earlier than expected, but I still managed to stop those two from killing each other. In every timeline, that's one thing that never changes...both of them are so stupid and stubborn. Still…. I can't help but like Kyoko. There is more to her than meets the eye. She has gone through her fair share of pain...which I can relate to. Despite her brash and seemingly violent personality, she is probably the most mentally stable one of the group. I could always trust her and I probably would never admit it to her face, but I do consider her a dear friend.'_

_..._

_Once again Madoka tried to contract. My patience with Sayaka was almost at it's limit. I didn't bother in giving her explanations or blocking attacks, I just knocked her out. There was no point in wasting my breath. I knew what words would get Kyoko's attention and like usual, I had a somewhat civil conversation and my message actually got across.'_

_..._

_'...Madoka throwing Sayaka's soul gem was new…and unexpected. It was expected that Kyoko and Sayaka would get into another fight, despite my warning, but the soul gem…. Luckily it fell onto the truck and hadn't shattered. By the time I recovered her soul gem, I was pretty sure Kyubey had explained the origin of the soul gem. The look Kyoko gave Kyubey like she was about to skewer him gave it away, although I was tempted to wait and see if she actually would. That is one method I haven't tried yet… hmmm...I shall keep it in mind…'_

_..._

_'It was inevitable by this point that Sayaka Miki's mental state would start to deteriorate. If it wasn't the nature of the soul gem, it was the fact that Hitomi was going to be with Kyosuke. If I had told all of this to Sayaka in the beginning, she wouldn't have believed me anyway… I admit, Sayaka Miki can be sharp when she wants to. However she misinterpreted my actions. If they had believed me in the beginning, then this would not be necessary. True, this is for Madoka, but I can never shake off the guilt when Sayaka contracts, knowing her ultimate fate. Afterall, she was a friend to me at one point, and was and always has been, Madoka's best friend. I threatened to kill her, hoping to snap some reaction, but imagine my surprise when Kyoko chains me up. Oh well… it looks like Sayaka is going to fall into despair in the same place she always does… I will leave this to Kyoko as Kyubey is probably trying to convince Madoka to contract.'_

_..._

_'Weak? Useless!? I can't believe she called herself these things! She has a family that loves her, people that care about her! I couldn't help but empty the magazine into that blasted smiling creature. I couldn't help it, she wasn't listening to me I couldn't help but cry while trying to shake sense into her. I was surprised when she said that this felt like deja vu. I didn't think it was possible for her to remember anything… But then, Madoka being Madoka, had to run off to find Sayaka, despite the fact she is most likely turning into a witch at this point. My only mistake at this point was not adding a few more holes into Kyubey. Him knowing my time magic is of no consequence at this point._

_I had no choice but to show the cruel truth to Madoka in the harshest way possible. It always pains me to see Madoka upset, but if it will stop her from contracting then it will be worth it. Kyoko despite her vicious personality and despite the fact she was angry, I knew she wouldn't harm me… Even though she hated what I said, she knew I was right. I regret saying that we're not human anymore, but I will say and do anything to achieve my goal...even if it means I have to become like the incubators.'_

_..._

_'At the moment Madoka is sleeping peacefully. I couldn't find any injuries thank goodness. Kyoko kept her word and protected her as best she could. Stupid Sayaka, as Kyoko would've said… and stupid Kyoko for even attempting it! Seeing Madoka slowly being crushed in Octavia's hand... my heart nearly stopped, only to see Kyoko cut off her arm in the nick of time trying to shout more sense into her head. But seeing what happened after… I honestly wanted to protect them both. I never wanted Kyoko to die in the labyrinth, but she was right… I couldn't do both. And Kyubey... if it wasn't for the fact that Madoka was sleeping in the bedroom, I would have killed him ten times over by now. He knew there was no way of reversing a grief seed to a soul gem but must've worded it in a way to instil some sort of hope to Kyoko to try. The little manipulative bastard. Kyoko was my only hope in stopping Walpurgis Night... No, what did that Incubator call it? __**Walpurgisnacht**__... and Kyubey knew it. Regardless of Walpurgisnacht…. I never liked it when Kyoko vanished or died in any timeline. If it wasn't for her insistence on "saving Sayaka" and wanting to make peace, I would've stopped time and dragged her gluttony arse out of there...injured or not. Oh Kyoko…._

_Very soon the police will find Sayaka Miki's body in that hotel room and the funeral will be held just before Walpurgisnacht's arrival. How fitting. She never could hold out long enough, but I suppose fate was somewhat kind to her in the sense that at least she was spared the pain of seeing her home destroyed, the people she loved die or being shot by an insane Mami… I don't think I will attend the funeral this time, I've attended too many times already. I must prepare for Walpurgisnacht.-'_

Homura rests the pen onto the page of the book, reflecting on past events. She stares sadly into the bedroom knowing what state Madoka will be when she wakes up. "I'm so sorry Madoka...I tried...I really did, but I'm just not strong enough." And at that last word, she bowed her head and started crying.

**Author's note:**

**Ok guys, this is my first attempt at any sort of writing. Hopefully it wasn't too painful to read... And I can't work out why it won't save properly. :(**

**No flames please although constructive criticism is appreciated!**


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